


I Know Him

by ayuwensayk



Series: The Soldier and the Captain [2]
Category: The Avengers (Marvel Movies)
Genre: M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-07-27
Updated: 2018-04-02
Packaged: 2018-12-07 16:06:13
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 2
Words: 2,740
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11627043
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ayuwensayk/pseuds/ayuwensayk
Summary: Bucky has been remembering more of his past.





	1. Chapter 1

_Come home,_ Steve had asked as he sat across from Bucky in that diner, but Bucky had declined. _I don’t have a home_ , he’d thought but he knew that was a lie. Steve was home and wherever Steve was, was home enough. That diner was home for all he cared, so long as Steve was there.

He still didn’t entirely trust himself, he wasn’t completely through his withdrawals. The drugs that Hydra had him on for so long were apart of him now, they had seeped deep into his brains and blood and bones and had settle there making him its home. And occasionally thinking for himself is to hard, to painful and he will just sit on his dirty mattress and stare at the blank grey walls of his hovel and wait for the feeling of hopelessness and submission to fade again.

He takes a lot of showers now. Sometimes sitting on the wet cracked tiles until the water runs cold. Partly because of the sweat that his withdrawal creates and partly because he just can’t seem to wash away all the blood—of innocence and of shaping the world, of his purpose—that stains his skin no matter how hard he scrubs at it. And he scrubs hard, until he is red raw. He wants to find his way back, needs to, out of this darkness and pain. Back to who he use to be, back to Steve.

 

***

 

A month after their first reunion in the diner Bucky turns up at Steve’s place just passed 2am. He felt compelled to find Steve. A memory waking up fuzzy and incoherent in his head.

_A small fragile boy curled in on himself on a narrow bed. His blond hair flat and sticking to his forehead with sweat, even in the mid of winter. His frame wreaked with tremors, chest and throat wet with coughs and a fever that should have broke by now. He feels scared and hopeless, he has done everything he can think of to help this boy but he just seems to be getting worse, worse than he has ever gotten before. He crawls onto the small bed and squeezes in behind the boy, curling himself around the his fragile sick friend and hopes his own healthy warm body can help even just a little._

Bucky stands watching Steve’s sleeping form, large and strong breathing fine on his own, on coughs, no shivering. Bucky leaves just before 4:30am content that Steve wont die from the common cold, at least not anytime soon.

 

***

 

“Steve,” Bucky says as he sits on the edge of Steve’s bed touching his shoulder softly with the tips of his fingers, as if he’s scared to touch Steve so afraid he’d hurt him, afraid of his own strength. He has done this before, many times in fact, as he regains lost memories buried deep in his mind from all the drugs he had been given. He breaks into Steve’s apartment in the middle of the night just to wake him up and ask him questions, making sure what he remembers is real, making sure their lives actually happened, that Steve is alive and that he himself is real. Sometimes he goes just to stare at Steve while he sleeps, trying to figure out who Steve is, who he is himself, who they are to each other. It’s been happening more and more frequently and Steve has no idea how Bucky gets in or out but he doesn’t want to say anything just in case he scares Bucky away and he doesn’t come back.

“Steve,” he says again, this time waking him up, “were we together?” he asks without looking over at Steve. The movement on the bed behind him tells him that Steve is awake and sitting up, resting against the headboard.

“We were always together Buck,” Steve says voice heavy with sleep.

“No, I mean… as a couple?”

“Oh. Umm no we weren’t…”

“Don’t lie to me punk, tell me the truth,” Bucky says a little frustrated, his memories and feelings not matching up with what Steve is saying.

Despite himself Steve huffs a laugh at how Bucky sounds like his old self, lecturing Steve about another stupid decision or fight he had tried to finish but ended up losing.

“Back then, it isn’t like it is now. It was frowned upon, illicit for two men to be together in that way.”

Bucky is quite for a long while, thinking over what Steve had said or possibly going through every one of his memories to verify Steve’s facts. Steve doesn’t mind the silence when it comes, he also doesn’t mind that it lasts so long he starts to drift back to sleep sitting up because Bucky is there alive and with him. Even with everything Steve knows that Bucky had done as the Winter Solider, he feels safe and comfortable in his presents. He is a little terrified however, that if he falls asleep now Bucky will be gone by the time he wakes up. And that thought has Steve jolting upright from where he had started to slouch back down into his bed. His movement must stir Bucky because soon he is talking again.

“I don’t remember much Steve but most of what I do remember is of you.”

“We were best friends Buck,” Steve says more awake now that Bucky is talking again. “Still are I’d like to think. Even if you don’t think you’re the same guy, you’re still my friend.”

“When I have memories, of us in the past, I don’t feel like we were just friends.”

Steve inhales softy and asks “tell me?”

“I remember you being a lot smaller, sickly. I feel… I remember feeling worried and protective over you. I remember lying around in a tiny apartment, the summer heat striping us of to many layers, you a sketch book in hand. I don’t…” Bucky takes in a deep shuddering breath, “I don’t ever remember feeling more at home, or safe than when I was with you. Back then and now,” he says quietly.

Steve wants to reach out and touch Bucky, to reassure him that there will always be a home for him with Steve, no matter what the past is hiding.

“I remember that summer, we had spent most of it at the beach with some of the guys you knew from around,” Steve says instead. Wanting to keep the conversation going, wanting to keep Bucky with him for as long as possible.

“They had all bought their best girls along,” Bucky added without hesitation. Steve laughs quiet and short at the memory.

“You were all in the water cooling down, having fun.”

“And you stood in the shallows with the children. You wouldn’t come in passed your knees.”

“I didn’t want to risk catching the flu again. I’d already had it twice that year.”

“I know, I was so worried that you might die. Probably the only smart decision you’ve ever made”

“Hey I wasn’t that bad,” Steve laughs again.

“I remember you being that bad,” Bucky says seriously, “or at least I remember feeling anger and worry over your sorry arse.”

“You were always so overprotective and concerned. You didn’t need to be, Buck.”

“Not how I remember it.”

“You wanted to leave the beach and your friends, to do something else, because I didn’t want to go swimming.”

“And you being a stubborn punk.”

“It was fine Buck, really, I liked seeing you have some fun.”

“Those guys were arseholes anyway, always said you were a boring waste of time, to sick, to high maintenance for someone so easy going as me. They didn’t know how sick you could get or how much taking care of you made me feel like I was making a difference in the world. Even if it was just our world I was changing, it made me happy. They didn’t understand that.”

“Buck, why didn’t you say anything?”

“I didn’t care what they said. I didn’t need them. I had you and that’s all that mattered to me.”

 

***

 

Steve wakes up the next morning with a kink in his neck that fades to quickly to be of any concern and Bucky gone. His apartment feels empty and cold and Steve just wants to craw back into bed and stay under the covers until Bucky returns.


	2. Chapter 2

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Just some more Steve and Bucky, comparisons and roll reversals regarding the past and the present, maybe if you squint.

_The first time Bucky actually looks at Steve after being rescued from that hydra base, it’s that night after they get back. They don’t seen each other for most of the day, going back and forth through all the necessary steps of medical and in field debrief, besides passing each other through tents and in the mud outside._

_I_ _t’s dark, despite the earliness of the evening, when Bucky and Steve finally reunite over the slop they are calling food. Bucky just stares openly at Steve as if he can’t believe Steve is real or that he’s the same Steve he left months ago back in Brooklyn all sick and skinny._

_“It’s me Buck, really, you can stop staring.” Bucky’s eyes narrow and his expression turns from disbelief to annoyance._

_“I know. Colonel Phillips has told me how you've been disobeying his direct orders.”_

_“Yeah but it all turned out fine though.”_

_“That’s not the point and you know it. You sure are bigger and you look healthy, but you’re still a dumbass and just as stubborn.”_

_“_ _That’s probably a good thing though, considering.”_

_“I will not hesitate to kick your arse, now.”_

_“_ _Pfft, as if you could, now,” Steve laughs, Bucky on the other hand just stares at him a little sadly._

 

_Bucky is quite a long while after, staring at Steve and then off into space only to return his attention back to Steve, as if he’s trying to workout what happened to him and staring at Steve long enough will answer all his questions._

_“I just… what happened to you?” Bucky finally asks._

_“I told you, I joined the army.” “_

_Yeah I can see that but what happened to you…” and Bucky waves his hand in a gesture that encompasses Steve’s body, “really?”_

_“I was… given a chance.”_

_Bucky rubs at his eyes and huffs in frustration, “God you’re a punk, just answer the goddamn question.” Steve laughs._

_“_ _They injected me with a serum. But I feel fine, the doctors say I'm fine.”_

_“Whose ‘they’, Steve?”_

_“A couple scientists working with the military.”_

_“And what are these scientists names?”_

_“Howard Stark and Abraham Erskine.”_

_"Howard Star... Wait, Erskine? Y_ _ou let a German scientist experiment on you!! God you get yourself into so much trouble when I'm not around. Why?"_

_"I look up to you Bucky, I wanted to follow you, to do the right thing. I wanted to protect my country. Isn't that why you joined in the first place?"_

_"I joined to protect you."_

_"Now you don't have to worry about me, I can take care of myself."_

_"I can see that. But that’s just it Steve; I like taking care of you. It felt like my life was worthwhile, like I was doing something good in an otherwise shitty existence. Now it's like I have no purpose. You don't need me."_

_"I'll always need you Bucky."_

_"Maybe, but not like before, not the way I want you to need me," Bucky says quietly, hurt and confusion clear as day on his face._

_“Bucky”, Steve murmurs, and takes an uncertain step towards him but Bucky just shakes his head sadly and leaves the tent._

 

***

 

Steve wakes up slowly, the morning is warm, warmer than a winter morning has a right to be and he is somewhat content in a nostalgic kind of way, feeling relaxed and safe.

His sleep filled awareness drifts him back to many mornings in another life, waking up to the comforting weight of arms around him and warm breath on the back of his neck. He feels lucky and loved to have someone in his life who makes him feel this way even when he can’t offer anything in return expect the burden of his fragility and sickness. His feelings of worthlessness hit him hard and he curls tight around himself but the arms around him hold him even tighter and the body behind him moves with him as if saying unconsciously and in sleep that he is someone to be protected and supported selflessly and out of affection. This feeling soothes Steve even in his dream but wakes him fully with the knowledge that it was another life and not this one where arms encompass him with love.

Yet it is still warmer than usual and it is a shockingly familiar weight that causes this.

It’s the first time Bucky has touched Steve with more than a hand on his shoulder. It’s the first time Bucky has been there in Steve’s apartment when he has woken up. And it’s definitely the first time he has been asleep, in Steve’s bed, curled tightly around him.

When Steve’s brain catches up with all the facts he just lies there still and unmoving even trying not to breath, afraid any kind of movement will awaken the sleeping man behind him and scare him off.

“Why’ve you stopped breathin’?” Bucky asks sleep heavy and muffled into Steve’s back. “I thought you couldn’t get sick now.”

“I can’t,” Steve whispers, still not breathing.

“Then breathe punk before I start worrying.” And Steve lets in a deep breath. He lets it out only to pull in an equally deep breath just to repeat the pattern. This pattern of breathing goes on for a couple of minutes before Bucky huffs out of exasperation and rolls to his other side letting go of Steve in the process.

Steve is fully awake and aware of the presences lying behind him. He wants to turn over to see if Bucky is really there sleeping as if the last 70 or so years hadn’t actually happened. It takes him a minute to calm his breathing and another to roll over slowly to see Bucky lying on his side back to Steve.

"Stevie, I can't relax with you burning a hole in my back."

"Sorry." Steve wants to say more despite not knowing what to say at all. He just doesn't want Bucky to leave. Steve's feelings of safety and happiness at Bucky being with him when he woke up this morning are mixed with an anxiety that this whole thing is a dream and Steve will wake up for real at any moment and Bucky will not be there with him. A deep grumble sounds from the other side of the bed and it pulls Steve out of his own head. He looks over to Bucky, who hasn't moved since rolling over that way and hears the sound again. 

"Are you hungry?" Steve asks the sound kind of surprising him.

"Yes." Bucky responds as he rolls over onto his back and signing as his stomach continues to communicate for food.

"When was the last time you ate." Steve asks worried about whether Bucky's stomach is actively trying to eat it's self with how loud and obnoxious it is now that he's noticed it.

"I don't remember."

"You don't..." Steve huffs and get out of the bed, "I'll make some food."

And Bucky gets up to follow.

 

Thirty minutes and two servings of eggs and toast later Bucky and Steve are sitting in a companionable silence at his breakfast bar. Steve, still unsure as what to say, is reading the days news on his Stark tablet and stilling glances at Bucky every now and then while Bucky seemingly contemplates life itself. And just when Steve is settling into this pattern the next time he looks at Bucky, Bucky is looking back at him.

“Why do you keep looking at me?”

“I don’t,” Steve pretends as he shifts a little in his set and looks back down at the tablet only to look back up right away. Bucky just raises his eyebrows waiting.

“Okay, I’m just happy you’re here and I don’t want you to disappear again.”

After a couple long silent seconds of Steve looking at Bucky for a response he finally says “Alright,” and nods his head in acknowledgment of what Steve has said.

“Alright,” Steve repeats a little confused.

“Alright,” Bucky says again and then, “can I use your shower?”

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Just some stuff because I think they needed a happier fluffier ending.

**Author's Note:**

> Yeah, I don't know. Let me know what you think... Maybe..?


End file.
